People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. Use this quote
Funny is funny is funny. Use this quote
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! Use this quote
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. Use this quote
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. Use this quote
If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth. Use this quote
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. Use this quote
The funny thing is, I look at these magazines that make me so insecure and neurotic, but I'm in them! Use this quote
I was a hop-around. I hung out with the rockabilly crew, the guys who were trying to be rappers, the funny kids. Use this quote
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love. Use this quote
So much of a stand-up's life is doing live radio and having to be funny and quick on the spot with these strangers, and sort of surgical in terms of how funny I can be in three minutes. Use this quote
Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them. Use this quote
The next time you have a thought... let it go. Use this quote
The people I grew up around who I really liked were quick on the draw. It always just wowed me. And my mum would make weird funny comments. I can see in myself her self-deprecating, hippie humour. I can't take myself too seriously. Use this quote
Stealing, you'll go far in life. Actually, there is something funny about getting away with it. Use this quote
I'm for whatever gets you through the night. Use this quote
Well, I mean, if a joke or humor is bawdy, it's got to be funny enough to warrant it. You can't just have it bawdy or dirty just for the sake of being that - it's got to be funny. Use this quote
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club. Use this quote
Electricity is really just organized lightning. Use this quote
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. Use this quote